how to be less defensive at work

Di Giuseppe M, Perry JC. This was something that was easier for me to do when I was young than it is now that I have been in my position for a while. Constant upset at work can cause emotional disruptions, though, and these can impact well-being. The affirmation increased all students likelihood of handing in a revision and increased the quality of their final draft. I was wrong. can go a long way to repairing a breach of trust or hurt feelings. How to Be Less Defensive Defensiveness refers to both a feeling and a behavior. Instead, take a deep breath. But sadly, it doesn't work that way. A defensive reaction puts you in a fight-or-flight mode: this means that your body will show physical signs and put you in a state of heightened tension. It may also involve seeking support from a therapist or counselor to work through past traumas or emotional blocks. Again, deep breaths are where it's at for all us defensive folks. })(window,document,'script','dataLayer','GTM-NBFNRL9'); [5] Pause for a moment before you reply, and don't interrupt or cut the other person off. Take your time to respond and reply calmly. When you get defensive, your thinking becomes rigid and you simply become stupid, says Tamm, also the author of the book Radical Collaboration. Remembering our firmest beliefs and passions can make us feel less defensive. It usually starts out as an attempt to comfort the other person and explain why they shouldn't be upset. Images: Pexels (11), Yap Chin Kuan/Unsplash, TikTok Says Breath Synchronization Is A Sure-Fire Intimacy Hack, Each Zodiac Sign's Dream Job, According To An Astrologer. Get all the details. Watch this video to find out wha. The easiest way to demonstrate that you understand what was said is to relay that information back to the speaker as you understand it. According to Tamm, here are the 10 most common warning signs that you may be getting defensive: A spurt of energy in your body; sudden confusion; flooding your audience with information to prove a point; withdrawing into silence; magnifying or minimizing everything; developing all or nothing thinking; feeling like youre a victim or youre misunderstood; blaming or shaming others; obsessive thinking; and wanting the last word. $('.headMenuLinksMob').toggle(); $('.submenu').hide(); The best way to defend yourself without a weapon is to strike sensitive areas with repetition, and preferably multiple points. Try following this meditation GIF to keep your breathing in time: Focusing on your breathing distracts your mind from the emotions, depriving them of fuel, so they have a chance to recede. What they say tells you more about them than it does about you. Once you can get rid of this super flawed idea, it'll feel way easier to chill out, listen, and stop being so defensive. Verywell Mind articles are reviewed by board-certified physicians and mental healthcare professionals. Forget about how difficult it is to be on the receiving end of intense defensiveness. Of course, it can be difficult to recognize defensiveness in ourselves, and thats because there are underlying emotions at play. As far as the hurtful words other people might use, though, it helps to remember that your coworkers often dont know you well, if at all. But we wont be remembered for small or simple tasks like these, and sometimes, the best thing to do is get a project completed and out of your life. $('.submenu').hide(); Procrastination is less about avoiding a task than avoiding the negative emotions associated with that task. } There are times when just being heard is enough to resolve a problem. Or perhaps your boss (or a client) has asked you to do something in a way that makes little sense, but they dont understand or want to hear your concerns. When you feel yourself experiencing them, pay attention and take action. And if it is affecting your mental well-being, relationships, or life in general, it is a significant thing that needs to be resolved. But here's why "When we feel threatened, our central nervous system overheats and makes us tense and on guard, unable to take in much new information," said Harriet Lerner Ph.D. on Psychology Today. If things outside of your control affect your work, try not to let this affect you. If you get defensive before you even have time to think, you'll have to work backwards. Dr. Sabrina Romanoff, PsyD, is a licensed clinical psychologist and a professor at Yeshiva Universitys clinical psychology doctoral program. In general, we get a paycheck for going to work and doing the work assigned to us, in the way we are told to do it. Home Terms of Service Privacy Policy Sitemap Subscribe to The GoodTherapy Blog. Keep the focus on finding solutions rather than playing the blame game. Defensive behavior involves justifying your behavior or making excuses for yourself when faced with anger, criticism, guilt, or embarrassment. Click to share on Facebook (Opens in new window), Click to share on Twitter (Opens in new window), Click to share on LinkedIn (Opens in new window), Click to share on Reddit (Opens in new window), Click to share on Pocket (Opens in new window), Click to share on WhatsApp (Opens in new window), The #1 block to teamwork is defensiveness. You could say, Go on or Oh? Kara Cutruzzula is a journalist and playwright and writes Brass Ring Daily, a daily motivational newsletter about work, life and creativity. Do you bristle when you receive unjust or unhelpful criticism? The choice is yours. A flatter emotional response means you wont take up such a defensive position. Most people don't intend to be defensive with their partners. function() { I understand this, as Ive often felt the same way. You just met The One or maybe a shady character. Our defensiveness helps us hide our fears from ourselves, he says, and it erroneously serves to convince you that the fears you have arent true. This article explores the characteristics of defensive people, potential causes of defensiveness, strategies to be less defensive, and the benefits it can offer you. The biggest thing is that when you hear criticism remind yourself not to get defensive. Best of all, you can do this even without directly confronting the. Summary. Or, on the flip side, how do they know if theyre being pandered to by adults who want to prove theyre not racist? The problem with taking a defensive approach? Cultivating a growth mindset may also be helpful. Or we drink or otherwise self-medicate to cope with threats to our self-image and self-esteem. And when we humans are faced with criticism, we also ready the drawbridge, project a ball of spines, or prepare for the tackle. return false; Your brain is reacting to a situation that it perceives to be similar so that you can get ahead of it and preserve yourself. Jim Tamm, however, begs to differ. Remind yourself of your deepest values. That is because the first thing you want to do is defend yourself against what you perceive. ZAMBIA VS TANZANIA.WOMEN'S INTERNATIONAL FRIENDLY. Strike 1 - Think of the first thing you want to say or do and don't do that. Dont respond immediately. }); As soon as possible after a situation where you were defensive, take a minute to think about where you felt it in your body. You might find yourself reacting angrily to criticism at work, or hastily defending something you said to your partner. If that sounds familiar, then start practicing better listening skills, and work on really hearing the full extent of what's being said. You might be able to adjust their job responsibilities to leverage their strengths. So, for example, if youre feeling defensive after a not-so-stellar work review, forget about frantically rehashing all your past workplace triumphs. $(document).click( function(event){ Our environment shapes our behavior, including our habits. Permission to publish granted by Amy Armstrong, MS, NCC, MCC, LPC, GoodTherapy.org Topic Expert. This can be especially helpful for those who work a difficult job. js.id = id; Being truly upset by unfair or unjust criticism doesnt make a person a bad employee. Who made the comment or offered the criticism? And the more you manage to practice the process in real life, the more itll become your natural approach in similar situations. And once youve composed yourself, its time for the last step. It could be reacting to feedback at work or justifying criticisms from people close to you. What is defensive behavior? Defensiveness is an automatic psychological mechanism that is triggered by internal or external emotional stressors. Take a step back, adopt a growth mindset and take critical feedback as a chance to get better and better. These are some of the potential causes of defensiveness, according to Dr. Daramus: Dr. Daramus suggests some ways to be less defensive: Below, Dr. Daramus lists some of the benefits of being less defensive: These are some ways to be less defensive at work: These are some ways to be less defensive in a relationship: If you often find yourself responding to uncomfortable situations with defensiveness, it can be helpful to become more aware of why youre doing it and work on responding more honestly instead. This process was repeated at least 500 times. TikTok's "Enrichment Time In My Enclosure" Movement Embraces The Chill, Get Even More From Bustle Sign Up For The Newsletter. width: 1em !important; 1. 1 Recognize the physical signs of defensiveness. 1. It makes me feel like you dont trust me. Sometimes a simple, I hear what youre saying, is enough to defuse the tension and have a real conversation. He and a team of expert writers produce authentic, honest, and accessible advice on relationships, mental health, and life in general. 2021;12:718440. doi:10.3389/fpsyg.2021.718440, Jamilian HR, Zamani N, Darvishi M, Khansari MR. Study of defensive methods and mechanisms in developmental, emotional (internalization), and disruptive behavior (externalization) disorders. Whether we cry, complain, send a nasty email, or storm out of the office, we are still unlikely to get others to take our part. Rock. Keep this in mind the next time someone addresses one of your flaws, or gives you a critique. When we get defensive, we put way more into self-preservation than we do into problem-solving, Tamm says. Dont take the consequences for someone elses choices. "If you cant listen without interrupting, its a good indication that you havent calmed down," Lerner said. It is far easier said than done, but if youre angry, youre not going to be listening and hearing what the other person has to say. But if the feedback is meant to help you or is neutral and objectivelike scoring in the 37th percentilerather than channeling your energy into soothing yourself, youll fare better if you channel your energy into improving yourself. Is it valid? Tell the other person if you need a moment to bring things under control so you can have a clear discussion with them. We become defensive when a sensitive issue is brought up that leads to shame or we feel attacked. They are very likely rooted in issues that you may need professional help in overcoming. Being secure in yourself is one of the greatest gifts you can. vertical-align: -0.1em !important; When that's the case, do some of that aforementioned deep breathing until you are actually ready to chat. Just as there are certain pens that are built for self-defense, there also are umbrellas that are built for the same reason. '&l='+l:'';j.async=true;j.src= These situations can be extremely frustrating when we take pride in our work and want to do a good job. The kind of defensiveness that is extreme enough to be causing problems in your life can be rooted in different parts of your life experience. $('.submenu').hide(); height: 320px !important; The more control you can exert over your initial reaction and emotions about the criticism, the more likely you will get at the truth of the matter and find a solution. Despite being common in the workplace, defensiveness is not something that's easy to deal with. } $('.submenu2').show(); Why You Need To Be Less Defensive So if you want to be less guarded or self-justifying, the first step is to understand why you get defensive in the first place. We really recommend you speak to a therapist rather than a friend or family member. Does it feel like anything and everything pisses you off? To regulate your mood and stop getting so defensive, remind yourself of your deepest values. But even without the help of a professional, there are ways to interrupt the process and stop being defensive, so that you can improve your relationships with other people. What do a medieval fortress, a balled-up porcupine, and a linebacker have in common? If your tendency to be defensive is harming your relationships or your career, it can be helpful to talk to a mental healthcare provider who can help you develop healthier communication skills. $('.submenu').hide(); 6 Steps To Being Less Defensive 1. This is a classic for a reason. 1. If you receive criticism that is cruel or insulting, no one expects you to grow from itgo ahead and use your time and energy repairing those wounds. Have you ever been accused of being too defensive? Try avoiding defensiveness by remembering you have nothing to be defensive about. So how do they know when its fair to get defensive and when its a misinterpretation? But no matter their actual score, participants were told they scored in the 37th percentile. height: 1em !important; When your manager gives you some constructive criticism, you may offer excuses or become angry or brusque. "If we have a strong sense of self, and have worked through our issues, people are not able to push our buttons and make us defensive," Martinez says. If so, then how do you become less defensive at work? Then all the participants were given just four minutes to read a long and confusing passage from Freuds classic The Interpretation of Dreams, which, with its late 1800s language and esoteric ideas, was about as easy to get through as a line at the DMV on your lunch hour. We cannot control what other people do or how they treat us. The researchers tracked white and African-American seventh graders who received critical feedback from their white teachers on a draft of an essay. In that case, your mind may automatically slip into a defensive mode to keep you from being harmed. $('.menu2').click(function() { This is not the definition of the most exciting or fulfilling job, but many of our jobs are defined along these lines. Your success has a direct impact on the quality of their own lives and perspectives. box-shadow: none !important; That way, you'll be able to nip any defensiveness in the bud when it starts. margin: 0 0.07em !important; It really can become a problem. A compassionate and qualified counselor can offer advice and more specific strategies tailored to your situation. 'https://www.googletagmanager.com/gtm.js?id='+i+dl;f.parentNode.insertBefore(j,f); Think back to seventh grade, when you were still figuring out your identity and your sense of worth. I became miserable very quickly. | 1. Clark brings with him a fair amount of defensive prowess, winning the Defensive Player of the Year award from both the Pac-12 Conference and Naismith committee. Look the person making the commentin the eye and say something like, I am sorry you are not satisfied with the way I completed this task. });
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