Husband hates my job and work schedule. Ive honestly never had the same day twice since transitioning from sales to PM, the motives of success and the rush of a closure or end result are the same, project management just takes a big old chunk out of the stress, pressure and inability to say I cant do this right now. It didnt happen over night, but he was finally able to find a balance between working a job that was occasionally frustrating and being happy with his life in general. My husband, on the other hand, had a lot stacked against him from the start. It spreads like wildfire. The only explanation was that they didnt want to pay him huge commission on incoming orders. And the perks of working for a university cant be beat. I think regardless of the reason, the bottom line is that its on him. Is there a person around the two of you who your husband thinks very highly of? So we lean a lot on our peers going through the same or similar (or different, for that matter) experiences to process all the questions youd expect given our employment landscapedo I want to keep doing this? Enjoy banner ad-free browsing with Talk About Marriage Plus. As I pointed out in my letter, I want him to give himself grace and time, but also work his butt off. Oooh yeah, and really, I think this would have happened at his old job. I have questions about bipolar, specifically mixed episode read more We were still unpacking the moving truck for our new house and he already knew the neighbors. My Husband Hates Me: How Should I Proceed? - BetterHelp Ive had jobs that were a career, jobs that were a passion, & jobs that were jobs. After that, though, he would have the social interactions he likes in a classroom, along with a defined structure to support him (instructional materials are probably already available), and still be able to develop client relationships. Does he recognize that hes keeping himself caught in a cycle of taking an unvetted job, becoming miserable, and then taking another unvetted job because he urgently needs to get out, and then repeating the whole thing all over again? Updated: 18 May, 2022 In This Article Is it normal to hate your husband? Some of the comments about your husband and his elitist mentality are right inline with my wife. Its just a sad fiscal reality of modern America is that there are a depressingly large number of full-time, career jobs which dont pay particularly well. My first job after university was awfully toxic. Some of it due to luck, some of it due to bad managers (with over sold expectations at the time of hiring) and some of it due to his own attitude. Yup, same here, in 3rd job 3 years after grad school and not loving it. Best of luck to both of you! 1. together set a budget mainly based on your income alone. This is part of why Im reluctant to approach this because Im aware the message might be clouded if I dont acknowledge how lucky I have been in this area, kind of like OP with her long job stay. Suck it up! My sole-breadwinner father nearly became severely and chronically ill at age 43. But we paid all the bills. Im better at a lot of things than he is, but Im not better at managing. Thank you! Maybe he should consider looking for a different kind of job altogether. Also see Old Manager Ladys wise response further down. So we talked about having realistic expectations, not being as aggressive, etc. Either Ive been crazy lucky (which is possible) or I just have a positive outlook and no toxic jobs. We are bad at asking for money. not the OP. Now there will be amazing bosses too but it does take time to find them and sometimes the job has to be worth the crazy boss. Many times you see bipolar, BPD, passive agressive people screaming abuse when they are smashing boundaries. His qualifications are kind of open-ended and very specialized at the same time, not a good combo for making a lateral change unless you have great connections. No matter where they go, their bosses are idiots, their coworkers are lazy, their IT and facilities suck, on and on. You dont need to have ADHD or depression or crippling anxiety to need help understanding your inner workings. How is he regarding other aspects of his life? And maybe you have never really talked about the quality of your marriage. You sound really caring and compassionate. Make sure you include transportation, birth control and dry cleaning in your budget. How do I tell my husband I think his mindset is the problem? - JustAnswer I know. So, relying on those things for happiness is setting yourself up for disaster. Unfortunately, sometimes you get a series of bad experiences there are a lot of bad eggs out there. Wishing you luck as well. My husband is in an industry where people are really compatible with him, get him, and love him, and if all else fails it is only a matter of time until one of those people can hire him somewhere else. The conventional wisdom was that small companies were the best places to look because thats where most of the jobs were (maybe because employees keep running for the hills). Helping him come to terms with that isnt trying to change him. It may not be my lifes passion but its worth it for me.. We moved to three states in the first four years of our marriage due to his job changes, so I was forced to change jobs too. Since this ping pong action is now taking its toll on your health. I think you have to have a future orientation do that understand what you are getting out of this job, how long you really need to do that for, and what you will get out of eventually leaving on your own terms. And Im GREAT at sales. I would say Im passionate about whatever Im doing at the moment. I had the same situation the perpetual cheerleader as he was always miserable. I have actually seen this in my life. Is this the right job for me to take? updates: coworker prayed Ill return to Jesus, the awful corporate jargon, and more. My husband and I had to make very sure our kids understood the difference and that most people dont love their jobs, because for a long time we both had jobs we loved and we didnt want them to have unrealistic expectations. An insightful comment on a past thread was that if poster came into money and didnt have to work any more they would probably still do their job, because it was very rewardingbut they wouldnt do it the same way. My partner works in IT, and has had several toxic bosses which caused both of us a ton of stress. This is so true. Company starts with a O and they are notorious for doing this. Obviously, your huband needs to sort this out a bit but he is closer than some other industries. I mean I dont think that she has been there for 6 years is indicative of anything. But, I know several people who have never been in the same job for more than a couple of years. He put himself through two local colleges. The aggression is completely unnecessary, thanks. Ive liked pretty much every job Ive had, from janitorial to retail to food service to admin assistant to IT. I need this framed in our house. Therefore, educate yourself on personal finance. 2. I am lucky to be in a career position, well above minimum wage, and with benefits! Pizza delivery, security guard, urber driver, dishwasher, swing shift worker, are all jobs that would free up his days for classes, interviews, networking groups, etc. That doesnt mean you cant talk to him about whats going on, but make sure youresensitive to the difference in your situations. ha ha. Its ALWAYS about them. If hes not having any luck reaching out to his network in terms of mentorship/candid talk, is there an EAP at your husbands current employer? When Im happy in my personal life, have a fun hobby or am practicing self-care; some of those work things fade away. He didnt even know what had happened. His job options have been limited to factory work or . He is not the problem; I am. Ive had a career for 15 years, so I would just do that but no it wasnt that easy because my last job and destroyed my last nerve on that type of work. But what I found most depressing was the reaction of my long-term friend. Agreed, and honestly as a last resort it doesnt hurt. But there were other cases where the better approach was for me to learn to wall it off, take solace in other aspects of my life, and try not to bring it home with me. That helped a lot. Carolyn Hax: Tired of a husband who's always tired of his job I think right now, hes facing a learning curve of what he is selling, and that is discouraging to him.. If so, then perhaps like my husband, it has very little to do with the job itself. Yeah, thats lucky. But Im smart enough to know that money doesnt grow on trees and I like the company. Turns out if I can manage my own time, decide where I am while I work at least part of the time, and theres variety to the rhythm of my days, I do great. i really hope he finds his perfect (or at least bearable!) What is it you want? She told me that she thought that I just didnt like working and that I was proving to be lazy like my aunt. Now that I am (several) years on the other side, I can see that it did take me a long time to get over that feeling of helplessness and inadequacy. Then Ill start a self-sabotage spiral because I cant face staying in that type of environment. I waive my friends off of overbearing nutjobs or dysfunctional organizations or places I know churn reps. Am I just lucky? He blames you for the problems in your relationship. I second this. If you cant, get out now because he will never change. Yes, people sharing their experiences is one of my favorite things about this blog. This job is awful!, etc). My partner likes working, hes not too fussy about what you want him to do but routine, respect and reasonable management is critical. 2. Its so difficult to watch from the outside because you as a partner dont know 100% whats going on for them, and its not that you dont trust their reporting, but, as you say, their perspective may be warped. how can I avoid talking shop outside of work? Theres something to be said about doing a job, laughing a lot and then just leaving. "Every long term relationship has the opportunity to become a breeding ground for resentment, hurt feelings, anger, disappointments," says Dr. Lisa Marie Bobby, marriage counselor, therapist, and life coach.Bobby says that's especially true for midlife couples who've worked to achieve the conventionally-agreed-upon markers of successful . He could look for in town sales jobs, like car sales. He needs some books on coping skills. I think when its got a personal slant here its different than work stuff and its different than CA, but thats just my two cents. In this industry, once bad management comes in, theres precious little anyone can do. I work in the financial / wealth management world, so trust me when I say what can happen when you dont budget / save / etc. HOO BOY I love that whole series but WOOOWWW do those scenes with Ekaterina and Tien feel familiar. Find your I-can-do-this-and-there-arent-too-many-assholes-and-my-life-looks-okay might be more useful advice, and I think people who come with that expectation are likelier to be content with non-passion jobs than those who were hoping for job romance and ended up with job FWB. This may sound like a strange question, but is his heritage HUNGARIAN? 100% with you. Its still terrible that hes wasting his time with dead-end jobs when hes a very capable manager, but at least hes only miserable at work, not at work and at home. I am the HR BP for a sales team and I can tell you the ramp up for my most successful reps is at least a year. I think the one takeaway is You Cannot Fix This For Him. That in turn would cause of the unhappiness. I suspect it could be a combination of #1 and #2. Husband hates job, making life miserable for everyone. A forum community dedicated to married life between you and your spouse. This is completely inappropriate. Could he try getting on at a temp agency, while looking for a long term job. Key point, reconnect OFTEN. But maybe a visit to a therapist might help him see things more realistically. Why won't my husband keep a job and what can I do? Burn out can lead to depression. I want to stress that therapy isnt always about something being wrong. I cant say I love my job, but I really enjoy most of it. If he thinks it should only take 3 months to feel like hes got a handle, then 5-6 months or longer to ACTUALLY be fully ready is going to feel like a failure. Working with a therapist has helped me immensely. Whatever you decide to do, approach it with kindness and consideration for your husbands situation. So I have (and am currently in) the OPs shoes with my husband. My husband worked with a Coactive CTI-certified career coach about his mid career transition. My last job was basically a combination of event planning/design, admin, writing, and research, which I did mostly remotely, and it was the best fit Ive ever had. I'm so tired of listening to my dh complain about life. VerticalScope Inc., 111 Peter Street, Suite 600, Toronto, Ontario, M5V 2H1, Canada. Right now Im just working with him day by day but its not easy to have an unhappy spouse. (I feel kind of bad saying that as he held his last job for about 5 years, but he's had 5 jobs in the last 10 years.) It wasnt until I had some longer stays that I really realized how it can take a good year just to get going in a higher-level job. If people are good at what they do, and they really like doing it wouldnt you want to keep them around (and pay them well so that they stay)? Good luck! (And yes, sales is very emotionally demanding, even without the awful bosses, nepotism, and constant travel.) We are southerners, so I know Come To Jesus quite well! Not to say youre not right about your situation, but that maybe you are over generalizing from a job or a few jobs, to a whole huge category. I very much second the folks who are saying he could use a Come to Jesus talk with an unbiased mentor. OP, lots of people really like Dave Ramsay for help getting finances together there are plenty of critiques too, and good ones, and he goes heavily Christian, but nobody does emotional fulfillment for the hard work of financial independence like Dave Ramsay. It was due to desperation and acceptance that this will do for now but for now can fizzle quickly once drowning in poorly managed crappy positions. We use this in New England, too. Just about six months ago things were so bad that he went for an interview for a company completely, 100% unrelated to his field. Feels challenged every day. In my experience people who think theyre smarter than just about everyone are not as intelligent as they believe. Bad jobs are frustrating, and people around you DO wonder if its you. I could see that it wasnt going to however and my BS meter usually works better than my husbands. I am very frequently called by circle of friends to ask about potential XYZ employer or ABC boss. Your boss sounds like a fantastic guy all the best to you for starting your own business. From what you say in the letter, it sounds like your husband is in the right industry (he knows what hes good at and what he likes to do). State Your Case in the Positive A better approach is to talk calmly with your partner about his or her priorities and how they appear to you. -Linnette. 13 Signs of a Narcissistic Husband (And What to Do) - LifeHack At least not until he reforms his perspective and comes up with coping mechanisms. Thank you for you kind words I am wanting to support him no matter what (for better or worse, amirite). Similar skills, different environment. Can we not have multiple comments suggesting mental illness or processing differences for every single letter? I can appreciate your point of view, but hes my husband. Hi! Mostly young dads and a few older guy). *raises tea mug* Well all be in good company. touchy!). I really appreciate you sharing the 3 types of people and I typically didnt even think about option #3. Most people are going to hate sales. Are there other types of work that might use his natural ability to connect in ways that would feel more fulfilling for him? At this job, the good days are good, there are some bad days too but it averages out on the positive. :). I focused on maintaining good relationships with coworkers I did get along with. Next . I love him and will stick by him. Charming, chatty, warm a lot of things that make you good at sales will make him a good fundraiser. Much lower hours, more travel, no longer making tradeoffs where the more boring parts were worthwhile for the engaging parts they made possible. If you both want kids save up until you could get by for a while on one income. This is what I was going to say. OP, this is so incredibly similar to my exs situation, down to being in sales except he stayed in one of the jobs he hated, and dreaded, for far too long, which really did not help him (or us). The point is that the abuse may not be abuse. Im in marketing and Ive had similar experiences with work. And the work advice columnist answered with work advice. Ive got one of those too. Some people are okay with the constant ups and downs of territory sales, but for others, that stress is just that: stressful. ), companies side eye patchy job histories because it indicates the problem is with the applicant. My Husband's Career Choices - HealthBoards Message Boards Since OPs husband is often in a position of taking jobs out of desperation, or maybe feeling insecure about his job-hopping past, he probably is person #1 or person #2 more often than person #3, because rocking the boat with even a reasonable request can be scary when youre nervous about surviving without the gig. Your comment feeds into my question: how does your husband generally handle adversity? Unplanned expenses 14 30 Note: This is a guest post from Betsy Alvarez. It's Houston, nobody likes this city. So yeah, while mine is certainly still a story being written, things can turn around. It happens, and it can be surprising when you see yourself from someone elses point of view. "I feel like a . Also, while its not specifically stated, the fact that OP says shes been at the same place for six years is likely indicative of the fact shes in a career-type job not a minimum-wage restaurant job. His travel is from customer to customer during the day but never overnight. Yeah, thats pretty rare/lucky. I plan to jump off and be my own boss by 2019. I have stayed in soul sucking jobs much longer than I should of while bringing a bucket load of resentment home each day along with a paycheck, because he needed to follow his low paying or no dream (his dream eventually paid off.) Yes, there is significant desk time, but lots of standing and walking too. Does he see himself staying in sales a long time and how does he feel about that? And obviously, it affected my resume too having to explain all that moving around. But our families directly and indirectly teach us a lot of things about jobs and workplace. What I needed was people reminding me that I have worth, that my skills have worth, and that I would make it through. She could end up paying alimony since shes the main bread winner as well. It sounds like in particular, one of his key focuses when interviewing should be asking what onboarding and training on the product(s) hes selling looks like how do they handle that, and how quickly would they expect him to be up to speed?. Yeah, I finally realized one day that the issue wasnt the subject matter, or the type of work, or whether the work was making the world a better place: it was that I simply cannot do a job where I have to show up and sit in an office from 9-5 (or 9-67) five days a week. Just like a lot of other posters have said, he may be in the wrong industry and just need a class or two from the local JC to switch to the right industry. I went back to school partly to get out of a toxic job, and my husband is currently searching for a new position because the one he has is grinding him down. He has an intense love for craft beer, and will often go to our local whole foods and hang with the menagerie of regulars at the bar! If thats the case, then no job will work out for hubby. 2 is the one I think OP can help the most with. I was also going to suggest this! My husband and I have been together for 16 years and he has had more than 16 jobs. The software sales guys I work with tend to stay put for awhile. If he resists doing that, ask him for a deal. Hes recently ventured into self employment and despite the challenges it seems to have made a world of difference, so far. In his case it really was just terrible luck and industry dysfunction (the tendency of technicians to be prematurely promoted to management especially). I would say if he loves sales then he should stick it out with the current job right now and be looking for a sales environment he likes in his job hunt, I would also say he needs an outlet to let out all the stress and frustration that come with a sales job. I have been the person going back to school, taking a risk on a new field and only able to work minimum wage or not at all because of my course load. Starting medication has been great for him. He may need to network and volunteer to meet the people he needs to meet to get the job he wants. I have ADHD and reading your husbands story made me think maybe he has it too. A great mentor will also assist him when he is doing well, by identifying how he can take the next step up (which is why even people happy in their jobslike youshould always have mentors). Therapy? Im the same. Whoever works part time, does the majority of house hold chores, shopping errands, etc. I mostly think I live with Dr Jeckyl and Mr Hyde and he admits he's a big part of our marriage problems. Yeah, my hunch is that a) hes taking any job hes offered out of desperation to get out of the last place, and b) its possible hes just in the wrong industry. So basically, you need to decide if you can live with this forever. I 90% loved everything about bartending, but the 10% (the instability, mostly) was untenable for the long term. I hope your husband can stick this one out long enough to invest some time and energy into getting a job he really wants, working for people he can respect. Ive been doing side work for three years, and its grown to where Im making full-time money with it. You are happy doing until retirement, a job that doesnt pay all your bills. They are back in work now, but neither one of us can see this new job working out in the long run either, and its frightening. self selecting bad bosses due to desperation, bad self esteem, or mental health issues He went through a stretch like your husbands starting around my junior year of high school, when that long term job ended after the company was sold. A time limit how long you think it will take you to get a livable rage at your current job. Sales in any way, shape, or form will kill that happiness immediately and brutally. She wants it to be Dead Poets Society, and her passion and knowledge would make that possible in a dream world, but thats just not the reality of teaching. Project Management night not be the best fit. Wow. Since my husband and I have found out I was pregnant, my job has slowly been becoming an issue. Agreed. For additional info that might play into your answer, Ive been at my current job for six years. There still is a good amount of travel but maybe he could find something with a strong regional focus. My last job led to burn out. When Your Husband Hates His Job - iBelieve challenging and fun job tasks (mixed in with some boring ones), and a fast pace of change in the industry that helps keep our day-to-day work interesting. That is me. Everyone needs a sales team but he needs to sell something he cares about. That might be counterproductive and too much pressure. Hes bailing in the middle of the learning curve. We fixed it by giving him time to look and digest this last go around. This time, he went to a code school. There are a few things that have to be done, irksome though they are. More so than anyone, hes the one who has the best insight into whats happening here. If he's like me, he may have adapted his life just so the painful distractions are kept to a minimum. I worked as a sales assistant for over 10 years before getting out of that field (and never looked back) and its extremely common to have periods in your career where youre only at a company briefly because it isnt a good fit. Husband hates my job and work schedule. : r/marriageadvice - Reddit It is the simplest and most therapeutic thing couples can do, my opinion of course. Even if someone is really good at the actual selling part it can just be a very toxic industry. I am not in this situation but once was (underemployed from 2010 to 2013), had bad jobs etc. Any chance thats something you see? At first I believed that it was the job/bad luck and not him, but after a certain point a person has to accept that most jobs are far from perfect, and if you have a tolerable one youre better off than most. Its wildly unhelpful and repetitive. Theres a cliche about the first date who wont shut up about all their crazy exes. winner winner chicken dinner! I like the people I work with. 7 Reader Anxious About Husband says, My husband changes jobs a lot. Nearly four years ago . I absolutely think someone to talk to who is unbiased and slightly outside the situation would do wonders for him.. A career coach might be helpful but has your husband considered talking to a therapist? >A few people absolutely love their jobs. If travel burns him out but he loves building relationships with people, hates just being behind a desk all day and he excels at sales, that might be a good route for him to pursue. Not wild passion, not misery. They may overly avoid certain types of job because of prior experiences (ie writing off working for any family business because of favouritism issues) or may overlook potential red flags because other bad experiences have normalised certain toxic elements, or made others seem not so bad in comparison.
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